A Beginner's Guide to Karaoke Etiquette

A good indicator of a colorful personality is how willing someone is to make an utter fool of themselves in public. While certain folks are naturally shy, there are some who revel in the spotlight, either to merely gain attention, or to just have fun and live it up. One venue for such behavior is that of karaoke.

Established in the early 1970s and gaining popularity worldwide, karaoke and karaoke bars are fabulous means of releasing one's extroverted side (whether or not alcohol is involved is another story) via usually off-key renditions of popular songs. However, if you're new to the karaoke scene, there are a few guidelines you need to observe to make for a satisfying experience.

1. Timing is everything
Even though karaoke generally isn't a talent contest, you still want to leave a mark on the half-drunken bar patrons watching you. First impressions are key, and therefore you want to wait for the right time to wow the crowd (either by your talent, or your enthusiasm). Sometimes, the first couple of songs sung don't garner any reaction since the patrons aren't drunk/fully into the music. Therefore, don't be the first singer of the night. Listen to a few songs, see if they rile up the crowd, and once the adrenaline clearly permeates the bar, get up on the stage and take advantage of the moment.

2. Choose what songs you mangle carefully
No one expects karaoke to be "American Idol". You can be extremely bad at singing, but still manage to have fun and get a great reaction from the crowd. However, you're not completely immune from damaging your karaoke reputation. While most songs sung in such an environment are of the guilty-pleasure variety (think Lady Gaga, Vanilla Ice, or Backstreet Boys) and therefore don't warrant a beautiful and on-key vocal performance, certain tunes are considered too sacred to utterly ruin. So unless you have the voice of an angel, don't even bother going for something like Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody" or Radiohead's "Creep". It's just bad news.

3. Go for the gusto
If you're gonna down some drinks, get on stage, and sing in public, it had to have been for a reason. Therefore, you have absolutely no reason to have stage fright. Enthusiasm is infectious. You're already up there, so what does a little high-energy performing hurt? Don't be stiff as a board! Dance around (even if you suck at it)! Instead of singing in the most boring way possible, add some vocal flourishes (i.e. if you have a naturally low voice, surprise your audience with some falsetto). Remember, this is your time to shine.

4. Opera won't get you laid (at least not here)
As stated in #2, you gotta be strategic about what songs you pick. And while there's a bevy of popular and reliable standbys in those big songbooks, there's also some tunes that just won't be a match at a karaoke bar. You may have gotten a big round of applause at your ninth grade choir concert by singing "Danny Boy" or "La donna è mobile", but you most likely won't get a huge reaction here. And usually, more hardcore music like death metal or thrash won't go over well either (unless you think people leaving is equivalent to "going over well"). So unless you're certain that you'll blow the bar patrons away with your magnificent pipes, go with the more familiar genres. And if all else fails...

5. B.C.A.C. (Be Cheap And Cheat)
A good majority of karaoke bar patrons usually go for the guilty-pleasure songs, either to make their friends laugh, or to intentionally make asses of themselves (or both). That's why you always hear "Bad Romance", "I Want it That Way", "Baby Got Back", "Don't Stop Believin'", "Ice, Ice, Baby", and "Friends in Low Places" in these joints on a frequent basis. It may be unoriginal and cliched, but they're bound to get a huge reaction. And if you really want to bring the house down with little to no effort, go for the songs that require call-and-response with the audience, like The Beatles' "Twist and Shout", a-Ha's "Take on Me", "Summer Nights" from Grease, and Neil Diamond's "Sweet Caroline". They cannot and will not resist it.

And the final and most important rule for karaoke etiquette:

6. Always cheer others on
While some people have talent and others clearly don't, all that really matters is how much fun you're having. It takes a lot of guts to go up on stage and sing in front of a bunch of drunk and wild people (especially when many of them are your peers), and regardless of how amazing or amazingly awful they are, you gotta give 'em props for their efforts. Whether they're family, friends, or complete strangers, singing along with them or cheering them on is essential for a true karaoke experience. That, and getting wasted.

Review: "PREDATORS"

It's pretty safe to say that Hollywood's run out of steam when it comes to originality. In an era of remakes, reboots, sequels, and the current gimmicky overuse of 3D technology, there really isn't much to be surprised by anymore when you go to the movies.

This can especially hold true for sci-fi and horror films. Nearly every classic horror flick's been remade into an exasperatingly inferior bastardization, and once-venerable science fiction franchises have been dragged along well past its welcome. A glaring example is that of the Predator franchise. First brought to cinematic life in 1987 by director John McTiernan, Predator was a thrilling, tense, and refreshing take on the "Most Dangerous Game" genre of action films, where trained killers and tough guys have the tables turned on them, and are themselves hunted by an advanced and particularly ruthless assassin (an extraterrestrial in this case). It was also yet another hit for Arnold Schwarzenegger, who made the film all that more memorable with his signature cheesy one-liners.

But sadly, lightning didn't strike twice, and the Arnold-less 1990 sequel with Danny Glover failed to live up to expectations. And then there were the two atrocious Alien vs. Predators crossovers in 2004 and 2007 (a concept that was better suited for video games, especially since the Alien series had already worn out its welcome as well).

Of course, Hollywood never stops beating a dead horse when they can smell big box-office bucks, so there was an inevitable reprise to those dreadlocked, mandible-faced Predators. But rather than rebooting or remaking the original film (a wise decision), director Nimrod Antal and producer/co-writer Robert Rodriguez decided to make Predators a loose sequel and continuation of McTiernan's story, and jettisoning the AvP films from its continuity. For better or for worse, Predators returns to the 1987 original's dark, brutal, and intense atmosphere, right from the very beginning.

American soldier-turned-mercenary Royce (a surprisingly buff Adrien Brody, who seems intent on going from arthouse darling to sci-fi leading man after last month's Splice) wakes up to find himself careening through the air towards the jungle. After breaking his fall with his chute, Royce discovers other killers, soldiers, and dangerous types in the same predicament: Israeli soldier Isabelle (Alice Braga); Russian commando Nikolai (Oleg Taktarov); RUF death squad member Mombasa (Mahershalalhashbaz Ali); drug cartel enforcer Cuchillo (Rodriguez favorite Danny Trejo); silent Yakuza gangster Hanzo (Louis Changchien); and serial killer Stans (Walter Goggins). Rounding out the motley crew is meek doctor Edwin (Topher Grace), who's seemingly out of place in this group of killers.

The group eventually discovers that they're not on any jungle on Earth, but rather an alien planet, and that they've been placed in a game preserve to be hunted by technologically-advanced aliens. As they learn more about these Predators and their tactics-- mostly from Air Cavalry member and survivor Noland (Laurence Fishburne)-- the human prey hope to not only find a way off the planet, but to kill as many of their hunters as they can.

Of course, thanks to our familiarity with this plotline (covered in The Running Man, The Condemned, and of course the first Predator), we all know that the protagonists are going to be picked off one by one, all in bloody and violent fashions. Though it's admittedly cool to see the Predators do their thing again, this offering is basically retreading familiar ground.

It also doesn't help that despite the large cast, there aren't any characterizations that really stick out and are mostly barely-fleshed-out targets for the Predators to sink their blades and other pointy objects into. Brody does the usual brooding anti-hero/leader bit (and adopts Christian Bale's gravelly Batman growl because, you know, he's hardcore), Braga does an okay job as the tough lone female, and the great Larry Fishburne is mostly wasted in what's essentially a kooky, Col. Kurtz-style renegade role. It makes the audience yearn for stoic, silly one-liners from Arnie and Jesse "I ain't got time to bleed" Ventura.

But despite these flaws, Predators still manages to be an adrenaline-filled and fun B-movie, well aware of its inherent silliness, and for a sequel that's clearly destined to be nowhere near as good as the first, Predators has top-notch production values, impressive special effects, great action sequences (especially in the final battle between Royce and a particularly advanced Predator), and Antal and Rodriguez have made sure to make the titular aliens as badass as they were 23 years ago.

Despite lacking a lot of the suspense and originality that the original had in droves, Predators nevertheless manages to tower above most other sci-fi/horror sequels and remakes, thanks to its gritty atmosphere, gripping action setpieces, and its refusal to take itself too seriously.

Letter Grade: "C+"

Review: "TOY STORY 3"

Though I owned many of them throughout my childhood, I never really had much emotional attachment to my toys. Sure, in my younger days I couldn't separate myself from them, but they went through so much rotation over the years (thanks to whatever commercial fad was en vogue at the time) that any attachment was fleeting at best.

But despite going through all those Transformers, Ninja Turtles, and Power Rangers from my toddler years to elementary school, I can certainly understand why a child might have such a connection to certain playthings, and why it'd be especially difficult to let those toys go when adolescence and, eventually, adulthood comes knocking.

After all, all good things must come to an end, and the same can be said for Pixar Studios' venerable and beloved Toy Story film franchise. Having revolutionized the world of film animation in 1995 with the first of the series (and Pixar's first feature-length overall), and followed by a superb sequel in 1999, our journey with the now-iconic Woody, Buzz Lightyear, Rex, et al. has finally concluded, with the terrific, funny, gripping, and emotionally-gratifying Toy Story 3.

In the eleven years since we last saw the plastic and sentient gang, their human owner Andy (voice of John Morris) has grown up. Naturally, he became too old to play with his toys, ultimately keeping them stored in a chest in his room. Now Andy is headed for college, leaving his toys distressed and worried. Cowboy Woody (voice of Tom Hanks), space ranger Buzz (voice of Tim Allen), Slinky Dog (voice of Blake Clark), nervous dinosaur Rex (voice of Wallace Shawn), Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head (voices of Don Rickles and Estelle Harris), cowgirl Jessie (voice of Joan Cusack), and piggy bank Hamm (voice of John Ratzenberger) fear that they'll be thrown out and abandoned, but their fears are allayed when Andy decides to take Woody with him to college while the rest are put in the attic.

However, a mishap places all of the toys-- as well as Andy's baby sister's Barbie doll (voice of Jodi Benson)-- in a donation box for the Sunnyside daycare center. Though Woody doesn't want to spend his days in such a place, the others prefer it, believing that Andy doesn't want them anymore. Introduced to the kindly Lotso-Hugging-Bear (voice of Ned Beatty), the toys are delighted at the prospect of being played with by young children. A disgusted Woody leaves, and ends up in the home and possession of toddler Bonnie (voice of Emily Hahn).

However, the other toys realize that Sunnyside isn't the paradise they envisioned, as they've been placed in the Caterpillar room, where they're manhandled and vandalized by uninhibited young toddlers rather than being gently taken care of by older children. Lotso and his gang, including the mute Big Baby and fashionable doll Ken (voice of Michael Keaton), also turn out to be cruel thugs holding the toys prisoner, and Lotso ends up resetting Buzz to his original, seriously dramatic space ranger mode, making Buzz his new enforcer. Woody must now race against time to return to Sunnyside and rescue his companions, all before Andy leaves for college.

Now usually, whenever I see the third film in a trilogy that's had two good or great installments, I tend to lower my standards, as very few trilogies have scored three for three as far as overall quality and freshness go. But at the same time, my expectations heightened merely because Toy Story 3 was produced by the creative and visionary geniuses at Pixar, who in this reviewer's opinion has yet to create a movie that was any less than fantastic. Such a track record quelled my fears for "threequelitis", and justifiably so.

Despite the previous film in the series being released over a decade ago, we still haven't lost our connection to Woody and Co., their distinctive and colorful personalities still fresh as ever. It also helps that the general storyline (Andy reconnecting with his childhood toys before ultimately saying goodbye) parallels the experiences of the audience, especially those who grew up with the first two films. To say that Toy Story 3 is an emotional experience is a severe understatement. It still boggles the mind that computer-generated toys and anthropomorphic objects can be made to elicit more warmth and emotion than many flesh-and-blood film characters in other pictures. 

It certainly helps that animation technology has advanced considerably in the intervening years between 2 and 3. The visual effects on display are absolutely gorgeous to behold, best personified at the very start by a terrific, imaginary Wild West-style chase opener. The clever and rapid-fire humor and sight gags are still at their best, providing as much laughs for adults as there are for children (my personal favorite involving Mr. Potato Head being forced to temporarily replace his potato with an unusual and less-than-productive foodstuff). And once again (per usual for Pixar), there are plenty of delicious pop culture references and homages, especially the obvious nods to Cool Hand Luke and The Great Escape.

Also pulling a hat trick are the fabulous vocal work by the cast. Hanks and Allen once again are solid as Woody and Buzz, and it's a pleasure to hear the great Don Rickles and Wallace Shawn again (as well as Blake Clark ably replacing the late Jim Varney as Slinky). But the show is stolen by the addition of an almost unrecognizable Michael Keaton as the flamboyant and fashionable Ken doll. With a seemingly endless array of snazzy outifts (be they disco-themed or an astronaut suit), the male doll who frets over merely being a "girl's toy" is lovestruck by the arrival of (who else?) the equally flighty Barbie, providing for a hysterical subplot.

Despite some scarier scenes than those of the first two films (including a very intense and heartpounding action climax), this film is one for all ages: those who are still young enough to enjoy their toys, and those old enough to possibly look back and cherish such childhood memories. I'll admit that by the end, it was tough to say goodbye to the characters I first grew to love when I was nine years old, and though bittersweet, the franchise that made Pixar a cinematic powerhouse couldn't have ended on a finer note. Not Pixar's best (WALL-E takes that crown) but still ranking quite high, Toy Story 3 is a beautiful, hilarious, intelligent, heartbreaking, and ultimately satisfying coda to a brilliant film trilogy.

Letter Grade: "A"

Movies That Need To Be Adapted Into Video Games

Any cognizant person knows that when Hollywood makes a movie based off of a popular video game, nothing good can come of it. From the atrocious 1993 Super Mario Brothers to any trainwreck made by hack extraordinaire Uwe Boll, video game fans and casual moviegoers alike pretty much expect to be disappointed when they walk into the theater, as any such adaptation is certainly ill-advised.

However, on the flip side, have you ever seen a certain movie and thought to yourself, "Damn, this would be one kick-ass video game"? I know I have, and while there have been many such adaptations (either concurrent with the film's release, or years after the fact), some films have been left out for some inexplicable reason. Here are ten great movies that I wouldn't mind reenacting on my Xbox:

KILL BILL

While the only Tarantino film to be made into a game was the poorly-made 2006 adaptation of 1992's Reservoir Dogs, it's certainly surprising that there was no digital version of QT's 2003/2004 martial arts/spaghetti western-homage extravaganza Kill Bill. From her harsh training under kung fu master Pai Mei and various possible assassin missions before Bill's betrayal, to her escaping the hospital in Texas and facing the Crazy 88 gang, this bloody, rip-roaring tale of revenge would certainly earn its "M" rating.

DISTRICT 9

This sci-fi sleeper hit of 2009 surprised critics and filmgoers for its cerebral tone and sociopolitical subtext, but it certainly didn't skimp on action and spectacle. The player would portray South African government operative-turned-fugitive Wikus van der Merwe, a human slowly turning into one of the aliens that he helped persecute, desperately search for a cure for his malady. The first third of the game would have Wikus rely on stealth and his wits in the dangerous Johannesburg slums, but as his alien side takes over, the following two thirds would allow the player access to badass alien weaponry and mech battlesuits, fighting MNU operatives, Nigerian mercenaries, and even rogue alien prawns.

PINEAPPLE EXPRESS

Why the hell not? Any game based on the stoner action-comedy starring Seth Rogen and James Franco would be an absolute hoot to play. Playing as either slacker process server Dale Denton or high-as-a-kite pot dealer Saul Silver, the player must go on the run, battling evil drug lords, Asian gangsters, and crooked cops. Of course, the tone of the game would be as light-hearted and madcap as the film, and instead of power-ups in the form of hearts, it'd be bags of weed! Genius.

CADDYSHACK

To hell with Tiger Woods PGA Tour, this would be the ULTIMATE golfing game (and it'd actually be exciting to play). You'd be allowed to choose between playing playboy golfer Ty Webb, young caddy Danny Noonan, stuffy Judge Smails, and flamboyant Al Czervik (with Bill Murray's Carl Spackler as an unlockable character) in an 18-hole career mode, supplemented by random gopher appearances, foul language, explosions, and Kenny Loggins music.

EQUILIBRIUM

Why there hasn't been a video game based on the vastly underrated Christian Bale sci-fi thriller is beyond me. As a former law enforcement officer of a dystopian and oppressive society that outlaws and suppresses emotion, the highly efficient John Preston must aid an underground resistance movement to battle the totalitarian government he formerly worked for. This game would be martial arts nirvana, especially with the fictional "Gun Kata" fighting style made for the film.

SIN CITY

The stylish neo-noir action film based on the graphic novel series by Frank Miller turned a lot of heads for its highly stylized visuals and gritty atmosphere, and rightfully so. So just imagine a Grand Theft Auto-style action game mixed with film noir trappings, where the player would control three characters: honest cop John Hartigan, brute-with-a-heart-of-gold Marv, and mysterious killer Dwight McCarthy as they traverse through the dangerous and dark 'burg of Basin City. Add the film's monochromatic color scheme, and the rest writes itself.

THIS IS SPINAL TAP

Forget Guitar Hero. Screw Rock Band. The only music game you'd need is one starring the greatest British rock group that you've never heard of. The game, based on the classic mockumentary, would utilize the same basic gameplay engine of the two aforementioned rhythm games, only adding flourishes that would be appropriate to the movie's style, such as challenge modes where you'd have to play while under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs, minigames where the player would have to find their way around the backstage area in time for a show, and a playlist including the Tap's greatest hits, such as "Big Bottom", "Break Like the Wind", and "Lick My Love Pump".

DEATH RACE 2000

This game based on the David Carradine/Sly Stallone cult hit would have a simple premise: drive as fast as you can, and hit as many pedestrians as you can. Sure, it'd be sadistic and gratuitous, but it'd be fun as hell, right?

ARMY OF DARKNESS

While there have been quite a few video games based on the Evil Dead franchise in general, there's never been a true adaptation of the third entry in the classic screwball comedy-horror trilogy. Thrown back in time to Medieval England, chainsaw-armed supermarket clerk Ash woos the pretty ladies, yells at peasants, and vanquishes evil Deadite zombies with a variety of weapons and his Oldsmobile Delta. Throw in the voice of the great Bruce Campbell. Any questions?

BOOGIE NIGHTS

Uh... use your imagination.

Review: "IRON MAN 2"

If there's one aspect of superhero movies that can get tiring or even annoying, it's the fact that said heroes are always suffering from angst and emotional suffering. Whether it's the persecuted mutants of the X-Men, the vengeance-minded Batman and Punisher, the guilt- and responsibility-ridden Spider-Man, or the dysfunctional family of the Fantastic Four, these heroes are always saddled with grief and mopey dispositions. You never see them truly happy or even stoked that they possess such awesome powers, gadgets, or abilities.

So it truly was a breath of fresh air when Iron Man blasted into theaters in 2008. Helmed by actor-director Jon Favreau (Elf, Zathura) and the first of Marvel Studios' line of independently-produced films, Iron Man not only reinvigorated a then-sagging film genre, but also singlehandedly revived the career of one Robert Downey Jr. Once practically blacklisted by the Hollywood community for his troubled personal life, the highly talented actor proved all naysayers wrong when he took the role of billionaire, playboy industrialist Tony Stark.

Downey's magnetic, snarky, and charismatic performance was a key factor in the film's massive success, both critically and commercially ($318 million at the domestic box office). It also cemented his official comeback, where he followed up with a riotous, Oscar-nominated turn in Tropic Thunder, a key dramatic role in The Soloist, and a wonderful reinvention of Arthur Conan Doyle's fictional detective in last winter's Sherlock Holmes.

But if anything was a major reason for Iron Man's successful emotional connect with moviegoers, it was that instead of moping around his snazzy Malibu pad and whining about having to live with a electromagnetic heart that powers his badass flying suit of armor, the middle-aged Stark reveled in his new and unique situtation, balancing his do-gooder superhero duties with an almost childlike sense of fun and glee.

So of course, as with any successful superhero franchise, a sequel was inevitable, and while (almost expectedly) Favreau and new screenwriter Justin Theroux couldn't capture the magic that made the first film so wonderfully engaging, Iron Man 2 still holds up thanks to the supercharged performance of its lead actor.

Six months after revealing to the world that he is indeed the armored hero Iron Man, Tony Stark has been on top of the world, basking in his personal and professional fame and glory, and has been highly responsible for the unprecedented and uninterrupted period of peace around the world. His loyal assistant and confidant Pepper Potts (Gwyneth Paltrow) has been promoted to CEO of Stark Enterprises, allowing Tony (ever the womanizer) to hire the comely and somewhat enigmatic Natalie (Scarlett Johansson) as his new assistant.

However, not everyone is happy about Tony's unofficial and unsanctioned role as a freelance peacekeeper, especially U.S. Senator Stern (a wonderfully slimy Garry Shandling), who's demanding Stark to turn the Iron Man armor over to the American government, not to mention the efforts of the government's new arms contractor Justin Hammer (Sam Rockwell), who's itching to undermine Stark's reputation. Stark's cavalier attitude and somewhat reckless use of the Iron Man suit even causes concern for his best friend, Lt. Col. James Rhodes (Don Cheadle, replacing Terrence Howard from the last film).

There's also the problem of one Ivan Vanko (Mickey Rourke), a Russian physicist who blames the Stark legacy for the downfall of Vanko's father. Vowing revenge, Vanko creates his own modified armor, complete with electrified whips, and plots to kill Stark for his apparent transgressions.

When his personal and public lives begin to unravel when having to contend with Vanko, Hammer, and the government's pressure, Tony must also race to find a replacement for his electromagnetic heart, which is slowly killing him. Oh, and a guy by the name of Colonel Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson) wants Iron Man to join an elite program called "the Avenger Initiative".

That a big enough plot for you? The most glaring and pressing problem Iron Man 2 has is the overabundance of supporting characters (both old and new), multiple subplots, and only a two-hour runtime to support it all. Sure, the first film took care of all of the origins and introductory exposition, but scribe Theroux (who co-scripted Tropic Thunder) clearly didn't learn from the mistakes of Spider-Man 3's screenwriters.

In fact, it suffers from TOO much exposition, and the tone of the film veers wildly from dramatic, action-packed, and comedic, the latter of which is present the most, and is sometimes even oppressive in its presence.

Surprisingly, there's also too little action in the film. The audience certainly does get its money's worth in the action setpieces (the film's best piece being a spectacular showdown between Vanko and Stark on a Grand Prix race track in Monaco), but for a film called Iron Man 2, the slam-bang fight scenes and robotic smackdowns are few and far in between (not to mention an almost insultingly quick climactic final battle between hero and villain), and it would've been nice to have seen Iron Man as much as we see Tony Stark.

But seeing Stark isn't really a bad thing, as once again, Downey Jr. is a blast to watch as the egotistical industrialist. Like in the first movie, Downey served as the heart and soul of the proceedings, and is at the top of his game here. Despite his smarmy and arrogant facade (which is amplified tenfold by a new drinking problem), we empathize with his inner demons and fears, including his plight with possibly dying young, and his still-present anger at his deceased father Howard (seen in archival footage played by John Slattery). Downey's Stark is an intriguing and engaging character, and a pure delight whenever he's onscreen.

In fact, if anything can garner Iron Man 2 a strong recommendation, it's the casting as a whole. Once again, Stark has terrific camaraderie with Paltrow as his Gal Friday and new CEO, what with their overlapping, Altmanesque dialogue and building sexual tension. Cheadle actually does a better job than Terrence Howard as Stark's best buddy and former military liasion, whose frustration with Tony's irresponsibility boils over in a both funny and deadly serious armored slugfest with a drunken Stark-as-Iron Man.

Rourke, hot off his own Hollywood comeback, is great and appropriately menacing as a heavily tattooed and venomously vengeful Russkie. Outfitted with an almost S&M-style armored harness, and wielding some kick-ass electric whips, Vanko is a symbolic and efficient antithesis to Stark. But props definitely should go to the always-entertaining Rockwell as a cowardly weasel of an arms dealer. His Hammer character is absolutely hilarious, and steals every scene he's in. As the director of the espionage agency known as S.H.I.E.L.D., Jackson's role as Nick Fury is merely an extended cameo, and Johansson doesn't have much to do as the sexy Natalie Rushman/Romanoff (who curiously lacks the Russian accent her comic book counterpart possesses) besides look hot as hell and have one cool action sequence.

It's shame that much of the spark that made the first Iron Man so great is gone here. Favreau clearly fell victim to the "bigger is better" mantra, and while the original's story, characters, and action clicked with amazing precision, this outing at times feels clunky, uneven, and rushed. There are plenty of Easter eggs and hints towards Marvel Studios' future releases (like the first Iron Man and The Incredible Hulk, and next year's Thor and Captain America, this film is another piece of the puzzle for 2012's eventual all-star Avengers film), and there are plenty of things to keep fanboys and fangirls rightfully giddy here, such as the introduction of Rhodes as War Machine, an Iron Man tricked out to the hilt with seemingly dozens of weapons (and to be honest, this fanboy thought it was pretty damn cool).

But despite the occasional lack of cohesion, Iron Man 2 still manages to entertain and delight, thanks to a terrific, funny, and effortlessly cool lead performance by Downey and eye-popping special effects wizardry. It may not be The Dark Knight or Spider-Man 2, but it sure as hell ain't no Batman and Robin or Spider-Man 3. Depending on the success of the Avengers franchise, here's hoping the inevitable Part Three learns from Part Two's mistakes.

Letter Grade: "B-"

If Marvel Superheroes Were Cast 40 to 60 Years Ago...

When a film based on a beloved book, comic book, video game, or television series is announced to be in production, some fans become both excited and nervous at the prospect of just who might be playing their favorite character. This rings especially true for superhero movies, a medium whose fans are especially rabid and obsessive.

While some choices were great (Christopher Reeve as Superman, Tobey Maguire as Spider-Man, Robert Downey Jr. as Iron Man, or Michael Keaton as Batman), some were either uninspired (Nic Cage as Ghost Rider, Eric Bana as Bruce Banner) or atrociously executed (Jessica Alba as Sue Storm, Ben Affleck as Daredevil, or, dear God, Halle Berry as Catwoman).

After the announcement that Chris Evans was chosen to portray the iconic Captain America, my eyebrow raised considerably. While I believe that Evans is a great actor (his Human Torch was the only saving grace of the otherwise horseshit Fantastic Four films) and has the potential to pull it off, I began wondering if there was any current actor who could effectively convey the trademark characteristics of the Star-Spangled Avenger. Heck, would there have been any actors from years' past who could've done it?

This thought, of course, got me to thinking: if Marvel's superheroes were adapted into movies decades earlier, who would play them? If one got their hands on a time machine and picked actors from several eras of the early-to-mid twentieth century, what screen legends would be the appropriate perfomers?

So here's a list of who I think would've been the perfect picks for the cinematic Marvel universe, if they were to have wholly disregarded the need for believable special effects that were mostly nonexistent in those days.

ROBERT REDFORD as STEVE ROGERS/CAPTAIN AMERICA (to be portrayed by Chris Evans)

With the handsome good looks, square jaw, commanding presence, and an air of maturity that too few actors possessed, The Sundance Kid himself would have been an obvious choice for Captain America. Even with those goofy little wings on his mask.

CLARK GABLE as TONY STARK/IRON MAN (previously portrayed by Robert Downey Jr.)

Let's face it: if it wasn't for Clark Gable, Gone with the Wind's Rhett Butler wouldn't have been the biggest pimp in film history. From his gentlemanly-yet-cocky demeanor to his dashing good looks, Gable proved to be one of cinema's most suave and charming leading men. So naturally, who would've been more deserving of playing Marvel's resident playboy billionaire Tony Stark, a.k.a. the Invincible Iron Man?

MONTGOMERY CLIFT as PETER PARKER/SPIDER-MAN (previously portrayed by Tobey Maguire)

Highly acclaimed in his day for his portrayals of sensitive, angst-ridden characters (with four Oscar nods to his name), a young, '40s-era Montgomery Clift (The Search, From Here to Eternity, Wild River) would have been ideal to play the early '60s incarnation of the friendly neighborhood webslinger, back when Peter Parker was still the lonely, nerdy teen behind that red and blue costume.

GREGORY PECK as REED RICHARDS/MR. FANTASTIC (previously portrayed by Ioan Gruffudd)

Beloved for his legendary, Oscar-winning role as defense lawyer Atticus Finch in 1962's To Kill a Mockingbird, the classy and solemn Peck's natural aura of authority and wisdom would have been a truly fantastic match to the pragmatic and brilliant leader of the Fantastic Four, the elastic Reed Richards/Mr. Fantastic.

GRACE KELLY as SUE STORM/THE INVISIBLE WOMAN (previously portrayed by Jessica Alba)

Before she was consort to Monaco's Prince Rainier III and became Princess Grace, Grace Kelly was one of the silver screen's most beautiful, elegant, and sophisticated actresses. Her natural beauty and classy style endeared herself to audiences worldwide, so naturally her maturity and independent demeanor would translate easily into the heart and soul (and most powerful member) of the Fantastic Four, Susan Storm-Richards.

JAMES DEAN as JOHNNY STORM/THE HUMAN TORCH (previously portrayed by Chris Evans)

The youngest and most hotheaded member of the Fantastic Four was depicted as a bad-boy teen idol in the Marvel Universe, so who would have been a better choice than Hollywood's original rebel without a cause, James Dean? A cultural icon and one of the catalysts for the transformation of America's youth in the late 1950s, Dean shared many traits with Johnny Storm (including car racing, which sadly and famously took Dean's life at only age 24), and surely would have looked even cooler (if that was possible) tearing across the sky in flame.

JOHN WAYNE as BEN GRIMM/THE THING (previously portrayed by Michael Chiklis)

Come on, do I really need to explain this one? His name synonymous with the Western, and a true American icon, the Duke was best known for his portrayal of tough, craggy sons of bitches. Ben Grimm, the rocky, grumpy member of the Fantastic Four with a heart of gold and a love for clobberin', matches John Wayne to a "T". Just apply orange, rocky makeup to Wayne, and the rest takes care of itself.

ANTHONY PERKINS as BRUCE BANNER (previously portrayed by Eric Bana and Edward Norton)

Immortalized on screen for his frightening and iconic portrayal of the murderous Norman Bates in Psycho, Tony Perkins was known for his neurotic, moody acting style. Mix that with his skinny frame, and you got yourself a pitch-perfect Bruce Banner, the meek physicist who becomes the Incredible Hulk. And of course, since this era would be lacking in CGI for the jade giant, they could just go the Lou Ferrigno route, and paint green bodybuilder Steve Reeves (who Ferrigno actually regarded as a role model).

ANNE BANCROFT as NATASHA ROMANOFF/BLACK WIDOW (to be portrayed by Scarlett Johansson)

The stunningly gorgeous Anne Bancroft became internationally known for her Oscar-nominated performance as the ultimate MILF, Mrs. Robinson, in 1968's The Graduate. Seductive like no other, it'd be no surprise to see Mrs. Mel Brooks suit up as the beautiful-yet-deadly Russian spy/superheroine/Avenger, the Black Widow.

SIDNEY POITIER as T'CHALLA/THE BLACK PANTHER (not yet portrayed)

One of cinema's finest and most venerable actors, the Academy Award-winning Poitier has carved out a consistent screen persona as a cool-as-a-cucumber, intelligent, and powerful performer, and he would have been ideal as King T'Challa, also known as the Black Panther (no connection with the Black Panther Party, mind you), a longtime member/ally of the Avengers, and the first mainstream black superhero in comic book history.

CLINT EASTWOOD as LOGAN/WOLVERINE (previously portrayed by Hugh Jackman)

If John Wayne defined "badass" during the early days of the American Western, then the incomparable Clint Eastwood was passed the badass torch, leaving his mark on cinema with his tough-as-nails action heroes like Dirty Harry, or the Man With No Name. And it would've taken a tough son of a bitch like Eastwood to truly pull off the X-Men's most popular character, Wolverine. And although the lanky Eastwood has a few inches on the traditionally short Canadian mutant, the character's (and actor's) loner status, "take no shit" attitude, and roguish charm would've certainly made up for it.


Well, there you have it. If you think there's a Marvel character that would've been done justice to a few generations ago, speak up! Excelsior!

Review: "KICK-ASS"

Anyone who knows me well enough knows what a huge comic book nerd I am. Ever since I picked up my first comic when I was seven years old, I was entranced by the colorful and out-of-this-world exploits of costumed superheroes, their equally flamboyant line-up of enemies, and pretty much the whole mythology that defined comic books as a whole.

But if there's one thing that most diehard comics fans and nonreaders have in common, it's that we've had (at one point or another) our own superhero fantasy. I mean, who wouldn't want to be a superhero? I myself have had plenty of daydreams as a child (oh, what the hell, even NOW) where I don a colorful costume, fly across rooftops, and pummel bad guys, saving the world on a daily basis. But of course, we all know that in the real world, such extravagant adventures would be unrealistic.

And yet, Dave Lizewski (Aaron Johnson) doesn't have such a pessimistic attitude. And in the uproarious, brutal, and ridiculously energetic comic book adaptation Kick-Ass, we see what happens when funnybook pipe dreams become a reality.

Dave is pretty much your usual Peter Parker archetype: he's a high school nerd, invisible to the opposite sex, especially his dream girl Katie (Lyndsey Fonseca), and he spends most of his time either hanging out with his equally nerdy friends (Clark Duke and Evan Peters), or whacking off at night to the image of his buxom English teacher.

But Dave has higher aspirations: tired of seeing no one take a stand against the everyday crime he witnesses in New York City, Dave decides to play out his heroic fantasies: he orders a green-with-yellow-piping wetsuit off the internet, gets a matching mask, arms himself with a billy club, and prowls the streets as the city's first real-life superhero: Kick-Ass.

However, the untrained and unskilled Dave learns the hard way that superheroics aren't that easy: on his first mission, Dave gets stabbed, struck by a car, and is put in the hospital. After getting metal plating in his body (and learning that the trauma gave him the inability to feel most pain), the recuperated Kick-Ass goes at it again, saving a man from a gang beating. Only this time, his exploits are caught on a cameraphone, which are quickly uploaded to YouTube, making Kick-Ass an overnight internet sensation.

This catches the attention of local mob boss Frank D'Amico (Mark Strong), who thinks that Kick-Ass is behind the recent murders of many of his underlings and drug dealers. D'Amico's unaware that the real culprits are actually the father-daughter duo of Damon and Mindy Macready (Nicolas Cage and Chloe Moretz), two lethal and highly resourceful vigilantes going by the codenames of Big Daddy and Hit-Girl. As superheroes both amateur and pro cross paths and become embroiled in the real and deadly world of the mob, and as D'Amico's nerdy son Chris (Christopher Mintz-Plasse) poses as a superhero called Red Mist to lure Kick-Ass into a trap, Dave realizes that he's truly way in over his head.

Based on the eight-issue Marvel/Icon miniseries by writer Mark Millar and illustrator John Romita Jr., Kick-Ass informs the audience from the start that this ain't their daddy's superhero movie. Both a loving homage and wicked satire of comic book movies and their conventions, Kick-Ass revels in its outrageously adult trappings, what with curse words flying left and right, blood and bullets filling every inch of the screen, and a crazed combination of brutality, pop-culture references, and an almost giddy tone of black humor. Simply put, if Quentin Tarantino directed Spider-Man, and received script help from Kevin Smith and Seth Rogen, the result would be Kick-Ass.

And Brit director Matthew Vaughn (Layer Cake, Stardust) realizes that. We're practically told to leave our moral compasses at the door, and breathe in the Grand Guignol insanity presented before us. Vaughn co-wrote the screenplay with his Stardust scribe Jane Goldman, and although they made several changes from the source material (both cosmetic and substantial), the spirit remains. And like the comic, it plays on that very sense of fantasy and wish-fulfillment mentioned above.

And there was no better choice to represent our collective crimefighting fantasies than British actor Aaron Johnson (star of the upcoming young-John Lennon biopic Nowhere Boy). Johnson is terrific and believable as the lonely, dweebish dreamer who, despite his obvious lack of training or physique, decides to seize the day and become his own personal Spider-Man, even if he looks like a total doofus in that bright green wetsuit.

Christopher Mintz-Plasse, best known as Superbad's iconic McLovin', steps away from his Judd Apatow-induced notoriety and does a wonderful job as the equally lonely and duplicitous son of crime lord Frank D'Amico, played by Mark Strong (who apparently seems intent on stealing Ralph Fiennes' title as Hollywood's go-to guy for screen villains).

But the real showstoppers here are that of Big Daddy and Hit-Girl, the latter of whom is the film's breakout character and an inevitable source of controversy.

One-half Uma Thurman's Bride from Kill Bill and one-half Polly Pocket (as well possessing a four-letter-word vocabulary that would make a longshoreman with Tourette's blush), Moretz' Mindy/Hit-Girl is a pint-sized Punisher that will certainly take the audience by storm. From her "holy shit" introductory massacre of a roomful of drug dealers (a scene made all that more deliriously entertaining with the soundtrack inclusion of the theme song from "The Banana Splits"), to her making mincemeat of an army of Frank's goons, the character will truly be considered one of the coolest and most badass female movie heroes from here on out, and despite some worrywarts recently complaining about an 11-year-old girl slashing up bad guys and cursing like a sailor, the over-the-top and manic nature and context of the film will make the onscreen exploits much easier to swallow. It also helps that Moretz is a highly talented and natural actress and gives Hit-Girl a real sense of both maturity and bravado.

And don't forget Nicolas Cage. Mocked nowadays by some for being a paycheck actor who stars in shitty blockbuster movies, it's easy to forget that Cage can be an excellent actor, especially when he's playing batshit crazy (as last year's terrifically deranged Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans proved). Here, Cage is wonderfully demented as both the loving and doting Ward Cleaver-like father to Mindy, and as Big Daddy, a merciless Batman-lookalike vigilante who's got a mad-on for Frank and his operation. Mask on or off, Cage is an absolute hoot (especially when he, as Big Daddy, alters his voice to sound like Adam West).

Production values are topnotch across the board. Kick-Ass captures the candy-color palette of the comics, boasts a fantastic and eclectic soundtrack--whether it's Ennio Morricone, Elvis Presley, or a goofily funny scene where Kick-Ass and Red Mist boogie to Gnarls Barkley in the Mist's car-- and of course, the action scenes are marvelous to behold. Unrepentant in its intensity and bloodiness, the action set-pieces are highly creative and tough to forget, especially once Hit-Girl shows up.

Vaughn does stumble with pacing problems (especially in the film's second act, mostly in regards to Dave's bumbling attempts to gain Katie's attention), as well as an inconsistent tone, where some scenes don't know if it wants to parody the superhero genre, or genuinely ape it.

But those are minor quibbles in the end. While the adventures of traditional superheroes like Spider-Man, Superman, and the X-Men are anchored by family-friendly morals and subtexts, such a concept is nonexistent for Kick-Ass. As Dave says in voice-over late in the film, "with no power comes no responsibility". And for a film so highly inappropriate, bloody, profane, juvenile, and wildly entertaining, such a paraphrase couldn't be any farther from the truth.

Superpowered by a top-notch cast (with star-making turns for both Johnson and especially Moretz), tongue-in-cheek direction by Vaughn, and a gleeful disregard for all things moral and decent, Kick-Ass is an anarchic, funny, refreshing, and very adult postmodern superhero film for those who may still harbor those inner desires to throw on a cape and cowl. Literally proving, title-wise, that there's still truth in advertising, Kick-Ass does, well, just that.

Letter Grade: "A-"