Wrong Theater, at the Wrong Time

With the release of the penultimate Harry Potter film this weekend, it's no mystery where most of the next few days' box office dollars are going (in fact, as of this writing, Deathly Hallows: Part One has already made $24 million domestically-- from just the midnight shows).

So as I looked at the movie times in my local newspaper, I noticed another film that was also being released the same day as Deathly Hallows, a Russell Crowe thriller called The Next Three Days. Not surprisingly, I haven't seen nowhere near as many ads or promos for this movie compared to the latest boy-wizard extravaganza, and I ended up feeling sorry for the poor bastards who were told that their movie was to be released concurrently with a film that was all but guaranteed to make kajillions of dollars.

So since it's fairly obvious that The Next Three Days won't be making much moolah over the next three days (yes, I did plan that genius act of wordplay), I felt it would be rather appropriate to revisit some more little-films-that-could-but-ultimately-didn't that clearly got the shaft as far as getting prime release date real-estate in domestic theaters goes.

THE MOVIE: Day of the Dead

THE PLOT: As the surface world is being ravaged by zombies, a motley group of human survivors attempt to... well, survive.

THE RELEASE DATE: July 3, 1985 (limited release), July 19, 1985 (wide release)

THE COMPETITION: Some goofy time-travel flick starring that kid from "Family Ties"... Back to the Future, that's what it was.

WHO WON THE WEEKEND: Michael J. Fox proved to be both a television AND movie draw when the first BTTF made $19 million. Day only mustered $3.5 mil.

AND IN THE END? Despite legendary director George Romero's significant clout amongst Hollywood and moviegoers (and despite an expanded wide release), his zombie flick left American theaters with only $5.8 million. Back to the Future, on the other hand, kicked off its well-deserved legacy with $210.6 million.

THE MOVIE: Amazon Women on the Moon

THE PLOT: A satirical take on '50s and '60s -style low-budget B-movies.

THE RELEASE DATE: September 18, 1987

THE COMPETITION: The Michael Douglas/Glenn Close erotic thriller Fatal Attraction.

WHO WON THE WEEKEND: The Kentucky Fried Movie-style spoof stunk it up at the box office with only a $171,000 bow. Attraction took in $7 million (which is $14.6 million in 2010 dollars).

AND IN THE END? Despite its less-than-stellar opening, Fatal Attraction ended up attracting $156 million by its closing. Amazon Women's total was truly fatal at only $548,696.

THE MOVIE: Opportunity Knocks

THE PLOT: A con man (Dana Carvey) steals the identity of a millionaire's friend in order to score major cash.

THE RELEASE DATE: March 30, 1990

THE COMPETITION: The big-screen adaptation of the wildly popular Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles franchise.

WHO WON THE WEEKEND: Carvey's hot streak on "Saturday Night Live" wasn't enough to deter Turtle Power. Opportunity Knocks was clearly lacking in opportunity, opening with only $3 million. The Turtles blasted into the big time with $25 million.

AND IN THE END? The success of Wayne's World was two years away, so Carvey and Opportunity had to settle for only $11 million. Ninja Turtles shelled out a bodacious $135 million run, becoming (at the time) the highest-grossing independent film ever.

THE MOVIE: The Meteor Man

THE PLOT: An unassuming schoolteacher (Robert Townsend) is struck by a strange green meteorite, gains superpowers, and sets out to defend Washington, D.C. from street crime.

THE RELEASE DATE: August 6, 1993

THE COMPETITION: The Harrison Ford/Tommy Lee Jones action-thriller The Fugitive.

WHO WON THE WEEKEND: The superhero was ultimately no match for Harrison Ford's star power. The Fugitive opened with $24 million, while the critically-panned Meteor Man only claimed $2.6 million.

AND IN THE END? The obscure Meteor Man died an unheroic death with a meager $8 million, and The Fugitive ran off with a domestic haul of $184 million.

THE MOVIE: Lone Star

THE PLOT: A Texas sheriff (Chris Cooper) sets out to discover who murdered one of his predecessors (Kris Kristofferson).

THE RELEASE DATE: June 21, 1996

THE COMPETITION: Yet another animated blockbuster from the Disney juggernaut, this time the Victor Hugo adaptation The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

WHO WON THE WEEKEND: Despite great reviews, the Texas murder mystery lost out to Quasimodo's $21 million opener with only a $232,184 bow.

AND IN THE END? Once again, kiddie fare won the box office battle. Hunchback made $100 million in America, while Lone Star grossed only $12 million.

THE MOVIE: The Apostle

THE PLOT: An adulterous evangelical preacher (Robert Duvall) moves to Louisana with a new identity and begins a radio preaching career.

THE RELEASE DATE: December 17, 1997

THE COMPETITION: An obvious shipwreck also known as Titanic.

WHO WON THE WEEKEND: The well-reviewed Apostle clearly didn't have the Good Lord on its side, making only $29,396 on its first weekend. James Cameron's Leo DiCaprio-starrer, however, made a superior-yet-seemingly-paltry $28 million opener. And yet...

AND IN THE END? ...Titanic ended up riding on a huge wave of $600 million. The Apostle left theaters with only $20 million.

THE MOVIE: Digimon: The Movie

THE PLOT: Some humans encounter digital monsters from another world... or something like that.

THE RELEASE DATE: October 6, 2000

THE COMPETITION: The Ben Stiller/Robert de Niro comedy Meet the Parents.

WHO WON THE WEEKEND: Ben Stiller once again proved himself amongst the 18-24 demographic, with Parents bowing with $29 million. Digimon only nabbed $4 million.

AND IN THE END? Despite the then-mind-bogglingly-enormous popularity of the similarly-themed and similarly-annoying Pokemon franchise, Digimon didn't have a leg to stand on, leaving theaters with only $9.6 million. Meet the Parents meanwhile scored with a final run of $166.2 million (and its 2004 sequel, Meet the Fockers, made history by becoming the highest-grossing live-action comedy of all time with $279 million).

THE MOVIE: Saving Silverman

THE PLOT: Two pals (Jack Black and Steve Zahn) try to derail the upcoming nuptials between their friend (Jason Biggs) and his manipulative girlfriend (Amanda Peet).

THE RELEASE DATE: February 9, 2001

THE COMPETITION: Ridley Scott's Hannibal, the long-awaited sequel to 1991's Oscar-winning The Silence of the Lambs.

WHO WON THE WEEKEND: Even though Silverman boasted a popular cast (including American Pie's Biggs and High Fidelity's Black), Hannibal Lecter cannibalized the weekend's box office gross with a huge $58 million. Silverman's take? Only $7.4 million.

AND IN THE END? Despite the mixed reviews compared to Lambs, Hannibal made a killing with $165 million. Silverman couldn't be saved, though, with only $19 million to its name.

THE MOVIE: The Wash

THE PLOT: Two stoners (Snoop Dogg and Dr. Dre) find work at a run-down car wash, sell pot on the side, and deal with a uptight boss (George Wallace).

THE RELEASE DATE: November 16, 2001

THE COMPETITION: Oh, just the first entry in a most-likely-to-fail fantasy series called Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone.

WHO WON THE WEEKEND: The incoming Hogwarts' prodigy destroyed his cannabis-obsessed competition with a $90.3 million opening haul, while The Wash only mustered a pathetic $2.9 million.

AND IN THE END? Sorcerer's Stone obviously paved the way for Mr. Potter's future success by making a final domestic gross of $317 million, becoming the highest-grossing film of 2001. A huge critical drubbing only made matters worse for The Wash, which ended its run with only $10 million (though its budget was only $7 million, ensuring at least a tiny profit).

THE MOVIE: Deuces Wild

THE PLOT: A street tough (Stephen Dorff) and his gang engage in a bloody war with a rival gang in 1950s Brooklyn.

THE RELEASE DATE: May 3, 2002

THE COMPETITION: Only a swingin' superhero by the name of Spider-Man.

WHO WON THE WEEKEND: This gang war was tremendously one-sided. Deuces didn't make a dent with only $2.7 million. Spidey, on the other hand, saved the day (or weekend, as it were) with a massive (and then-record breaking) $114 million.

AND IN THE END? A large ensemble cast and a producer in Martin Scorcese couldn't save Deuces Wild, which made a pathetic final $6 million. Spider-Man owned the entire year of 2002 with a total haul of $403 million.

THE MOVIE: The In-Laws

THE PLOT: A podiatrist (Albert Brooks) discovers that his daughter's future in-laws (Michael Douglas and Candice Bergen) are really CIA agents.

THE RELEASE DATE: May 23, 2003

THE COMPETITION: Jim Carrey's "jerk-becomes-God-for-a-week" comedy Bruce Almighty.

WHO WON THE WEEKEND: Are you kidding? The Majestic notwithstanding, a Carrey movie guarantees a huge box office steal, this time with $67 million. The In-Laws were left in the dust with $7.5 million.

AND IN THE END? Carrey's massive star power clinched the final victory, earning a heavenly total of $243 million, while The In-Laws flatlined with $20 million.

THE MOVIE: Alfie

THE PLOT: A playboy (Jude Law) deals with the repercussions of his various affairs and romantic dalliances.

THE RELEASE DATE: November 5, 2004

THE COMPETITION: Pixar's latest in its line of genius animated classics, the superhero homage The Incredibles.

WHO WON THE WEEKEND: The remake of the Michael Caine classic couldn't make a headstart, only gaining a $6.2 million opener, while The Incredibles blew away the competition with $70.4 million.

AND IN THE END? Not even the dapper good looks of Jude Law could bring Alfie any more than $13 million. Meanwhile, The Incredibles grossed a whopping $261 million.

THE MOVIE: Murderball

THE PLOT: A documentary focusing on the intense rivalry between the American and Canadian quad rugby teams, leading up to the 2004 Paralympics.

THE RELEASE DATE: July 8, 2005 (limited release), July 22, 2005 (wide release)

THE COMPETITION: Marvel's latest superhero blockbuster, Fantastic Four.

WHO WON THE WEEKEND: Even though Murderball opened to rave reviews, the limited release only gained $57,000. The critically-panned Fantastic Four managed to claim a $56 million opener.

AND IN THE END? Murderball only cost $300,000 to make, therefore technically making a profit with a final haul of $1.7 million. But that's mere peanuts compared to Fantastic Four's $154 million domestic take.

THE MOVIE: Lucky You

THE PLOT: A Vegas poker player (Eric Bana) with daddy issues meets a fledgling singer (Drew Barrymore). Romantic goings-on ensue.

THE RELEASE DATE: May 4, 2007

THE COMPETITION: Spider-Man 3. Good movie or no, it's no contest.

WHO WON THE WEEKEND: Luck was not in the cards for Lucky You, which bowed with $2.7 million. Spider-Man 3 scored a major jackpot of $151 million.

AND IN THE END? Lucky You faded into obscurity with $5.7 million, while Spidey swung all the way to the bank with $336 million.

THE MOVIE: Space Chimps

THE PLOT: Some talking monkeys are launched into space. I think that's about it.

THE RELEASE DATE: July 18, 2008

THE COMPETITION: The chimps got double-teamed by both the Batman flick The Dark Knight, and the musical chick flick Mamma Mia!.

WHO WON THE WEEKEND: The monkeys didn't stand a chance in Hell. While they made only an opening haul of $7 million, The Dark Knight broke records with a heroic $158 million opening, while Mamma scored $27 million for second place.

AND IN THE END? Clearly, talking monkeys aren't as popular as they used to be. Space Chimps only made a $30 million total, while Mamma Mia! finished with $144 million, and The Dark Knight claimed 2008 with an astronomical $533 million total.

THE MOVIE: Shorts

THE PLOT: A group of kids discover a magical, wish-granting rock, sending a suburban town into disarray.

THE RELEASE DATE: August 21, 2009

THE COMPETITION: Quentin Tarantino's highly-awaited WW2 epic Inglourious Basterds.

WHO WON THE WEEKEND: Even though Shorts was directed by Robert Rodriguez (whose previous Spy Kids franchise proved to be consistent successes), its $6.4 million opener was no match for Rodriguez' buddy Tarantino's $38 million bow.

AND IN THE END? Basterds proved to be Quentin's highest-grossing film to date, hauling in $120.8 million by the end. Shorts truly came up short with $21 million.

THE MOVIE: Did You Hear About The Morgans?

THE PLOT: A soon-to-be-divorced couple (Hugh Grant and Sarah Jessica Parker) are forced into Witness Protection after witnessing a murder.

THE RELEASE DATE: December 18, 2009

THE COMPETITION: A little film called Avatar.

WHO WON THE WEEKEND: The formulaic comedy didn't have a chance. It opened with only $6 million, while James Cameron's first film since 1997's Titanic (the highest-grossing film in history at the time) bowed with $77 million.

AND IN THE END? Are you kidding? Where have you been? While The Morgans exited theaters with a mere $29 million, Avatar beat the shit out of all kinds of box office records, gaining a final take of $760 million, beating Cameron's Titanic record and becoming the biggest-grossing movie of all time.

Review: "THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE (FIRST SEQUENCE)"

In an era where violence has reached an all-time gratuitous high in cultural media like movies and television, there is some validity to the notion that every generation has become more desensitized to brutality and obscenity in entertainment than the last. After all, a little film called Gone With the Wind engendered massive controversy when Clark Gable uttered the word "damn" in the movie's classic finale. And that was in 1939.

But with the increasingly lax censorship in movies over the following decades, it became much more difficult to shock the audience. This was especially true with horror movies. Over thirty years ago, the vomit-spewing chills of The Exorcist gave the audience nightmares for days afterwards. Now, modern viewers would cynically scoff at how it's supposedly "not scary". In 1984, the moviegoing public was easily freaked out by the bloody antics of Freddy Krueger in A Nightmare on Elm Street. Today, an unnecessary amount of sequels (and a reboot) have eliminated the original's novelty and primary source of terror. What's worse, audiences nowadays just settle for shallow, gore-heavy "torture porn" that does away with psychological horror (and a decent plot) and merely throws guts and viscera at us consistently for 90 minutes.

But despite the current dearth of horror movies that fail to grab ahold of our psyche and help reveal our hidden fears (not to mention provide an engaging and three-dimensional story), there are always some films that manage to slip through the cracks and do just that. There was the hugely successful low-budget  mock-documentary The Blair Witch Project, the spooky 2001 psychological thriller The Others, the 2004 remake of the pioneering zombie film Dawn of the Dead, and the terrific Swedish vampire drama Let the Right One In.

Then in 2009, avant-garde director Lars von Trier released a highly (and rightfully) controversial picture called Antichrist. Widely considered to be one of the most disturbing movies ever made, Antichrist (despite getting mixed reviews, including from yours truly) made good on its surreal and explicit premise, combining shock value and cerebral mindfuckery to elicit the emotional and visceral reaction horror flicks are meant to create.

But now it seems as though von Trier's film may have stiff competition in the "Oh-My-God-What-The-Fuck-Am-I-Watching" department with the release of Dutch filmmaker Tom Six's The Human Centipede, a revolting, stomach-churning body-horror extravaganza with an ultimately ambiguous narrative purpose.

In Germany, American friends Jenny (Ashlynn Yennie) and Lindsay (Ashley C. Williams) are touring the country, and experience a flat tire at night in the middle of nowhere. The two girls are encountered by a stoic and disconcerting man named Dr. Josef Heiter (Dieter Laser), who shelters them in his house and allegedly arranges for the rental car service to pick them up. What the women don't realize is that the doctor has drugged their water, and the two black out.

They awake in Heiter's basement, strapped onto hospital cots, where they discover that they're being held captive alongside a trucker (Rene de Wit). The doctor ominously states that the trucker "isn't a match", and murders him in front of the terrified women with a poisonous IV injection. After being drugged again, Jenny and Lindsay reawaken to see that the trucker's been replaced with Japanese tourist Katsuro (Akihiro Kitamura).

The twisted Heiter explains to his three prisoners that though he's acclaimed for his work in separating Siamese twins, he truly desires to engineer the exact opposite: a "human centipede", where three humans are stitched together mouth-to-anus, sharing a single digestive tract.

If that last paragraph doesn't sicken you, I don't know what will. The very premise of the film merely written on paper is nauseating, and it's certainly high-concept in the most extreme fashion. I will give director Six props for crafting a premise that's wholly original in a day and age where horror movie plots are dreadfully similar and lacking in originality. After all, how often do we NOT see a fright flick where a masked killer or monster stalks and butchers scores of vapid, horny teenagers?

But like those films, The Human Centipede fails to help us connect with the poor souls forced to participate in this horrific experiment. The characters played by Yennie and Williams are one-dimensional, made worse by the fact that they're unable to speak for the entire second half of the film (aside from muffled screaming and sobbing). As the front "segment" of this "centipede", Kitamura has a slightly meatier role, but that's not saying much.

In fact, the obvious scene-stealer is German actor Dieter Laser as the sociopathic surgeon who commits such an unspeakable act. Devoid of emotion or sympathy and single-mindedly obsessed with committing a medical breakthrough, Laser's Dr. Heiter is an effectively creepy villain. 

His actions could easily be interpreted as a commentary on the sadistic medical experiments performed by the Nazis during the Holocaust, but as a whole, it's difficult to determine if there's any subtext present at all. The film may be Cronenbergian in an aesthetic sense, but it lacks the underlying social critiques that David Cronenberg snuck into his equally disturbing movies such as The Fly and Naked Lunch.

If Centipede has anything in its favor, it wisely uses obstructive camerawork most of the time to stray from the explicit imagery of the human monstrosity on display, instead relying on making the audience use their imagination vividly. Just hearing Dr. Heiter explain to his future victims, in full medical detail, as to how he'll perform the procedure is repulsive enough to merit a use of a barf bag.

In all fairness, The Human Centipede was clearly tailor-made to be a future cult hit. The title and premise alone guarantee that subtlety and finesse will be thrown out the window, and it's surreal enough to assure that it'll earn a place in midnight movie circuits across the country. But the film's biggest flaw (ass-to-mouth-stitching-concept notwithstanding) is that it's not really that novel, and is surprisingly conventional in its execution, despite seemingly trying to be different in a crowd of horror movies that are all too similar, and the attempts at sick humor usually falls flat due to the concurrent usage of serious dramatic terror.

But if Six's primary intention was to just gross us out, then he succeeded wildly. Disgusting, stomach-churning, and completely lacking in any sense of decency or visually conservative principles (but a must-see for the strong-stomached and coprophagia aficionados), The Human Centipede is certainly one-of-a-kind amongst its terrifying cinematic brethren, but whether or not this is ultimately a good thing is anyone's guess.

Letter Grade: "C-"