If Marvel Superheroes Were Cast 40 to 60 Years Ago...

When a film based on a beloved book, comic book, video game, or television series is announced to be in production, some fans become both excited and nervous at the prospect of just who might be playing their favorite character. This rings especially true for superhero movies, a medium whose fans are especially rabid and obsessive.

While some choices were great (Christopher Reeve as Superman, Tobey Maguire as Spider-Man, Robert Downey Jr. as Iron Man, or Michael Keaton as Batman), some were either uninspired (Nic Cage as Ghost Rider, Eric Bana as Bruce Banner) or atrociously executed (Jessica Alba as Sue Storm, Ben Affleck as Daredevil, or, dear God, Halle Berry as Catwoman).

After the announcement that Chris Evans was chosen to portray the iconic Captain America, my eyebrow raised considerably. While I believe that Evans is a great actor (his Human Torch was the only saving grace of the otherwise horseshit Fantastic Four films) and has the potential to pull it off, I began wondering if there was any current actor who could effectively convey the trademark characteristics of the Star-Spangled Avenger. Heck, would there have been any actors from years' past who could've done it?

This thought, of course, got me to thinking: if Marvel's superheroes were adapted into movies decades earlier, who would play them? If one got their hands on a time machine and picked actors from several eras of the early-to-mid twentieth century, what screen legends would be the appropriate perfomers?

So here's a list of who I think would've been the perfect picks for the cinematic Marvel universe, if they were to have wholly disregarded the need for believable special effects that were mostly nonexistent in those days.

ROBERT REDFORD as STEVE ROGERS/CAPTAIN AMERICA (to be portrayed by Chris Evans)

With the handsome good looks, square jaw, commanding presence, and an air of maturity that too few actors possessed, The Sundance Kid himself would have been an obvious choice for Captain America. Even with those goofy little wings on his mask.

CLARK GABLE as TONY STARK/IRON MAN (previously portrayed by Robert Downey Jr.)

Let's face it: if it wasn't for Clark Gable, Gone with the Wind's Rhett Butler wouldn't have been the biggest pimp in film history. From his gentlemanly-yet-cocky demeanor to his dashing good looks, Gable proved to be one of cinema's most suave and charming leading men. So naturally, who would've been more deserving of playing Marvel's resident playboy billionaire Tony Stark, a.k.a. the Invincible Iron Man?

MONTGOMERY CLIFT as PETER PARKER/SPIDER-MAN (previously portrayed by Tobey Maguire)

Highly acclaimed in his day for his portrayals of sensitive, angst-ridden characters (with four Oscar nods to his name), a young, '40s-era Montgomery Clift (The Search, From Here to Eternity, Wild River) would have been ideal to play the early '60s incarnation of the friendly neighborhood webslinger, back when Peter Parker was still the lonely, nerdy teen behind that red and blue costume.

GREGORY PECK as REED RICHARDS/MR. FANTASTIC (previously portrayed by Ioan Gruffudd)

Beloved for his legendary, Oscar-winning role as defense lawyer Atticus Finch in 1962's To Kill a Mockingbird, the classy and solemn Peck's natural aura of authority and wisdom would have been a truly fantastic match to the pragmatic and brilliant leader of the Fantastic Four, the elastic Reed Richards/Mr. Fantastic.

GRACE KELLY as SUE STORM/THE INVISIBLE WOMAN (previously portrayed by Jessica Alba)

Before she was consort to Monaco's Prince Rainier III and became Princess Grace, Grace Kelly was one of the silver screen's most beautiful, elegant, and sophisticated actresses. Her natural beauty and classy style endeared herself to audiences worldwide, so naturally her maturity and independent demeanor would translate easily into the heart and soul (and most powerful member) of the Fantastic Four, Susan Storm-Richards.

JAMES DEAN as JOHNNY STORM/THE HUMAN TORCH (previously portrayed by Chris Evans)

The youngest and most hotheaded member of the Fantastic Four was depicted as a bad-boy teen idol in the Marvel Universe, so who would have been a better choice than Hollywood's original rebel without a cause, James Dean? A cultural icon and one of the catalysts for the transformation of America's youth in the late 1950s, Dean shared many traits with Johnny Storm (including car racing, which sadly and famously took Dean's life at only age 24), and surely would have looked even cooler (if that was possible) tearing across the sky in flame.

JOHN WAYNE as BEN GRIMM/THE THING (previously portrayed by Michael Chiklis)

Come on, do I really need to explain this one? His name synonymous with the Western, and a true American icon, the Duke was best known for his portrayal of tough, craggy sons of bitches. Ben Grimm, the rocky, grumpy member of the Fantastic Four with a heart of gold and a love for clobberin', matches John Wayne to a "T". Just apply orange, rocky makeup to Wayne, and the rest takes care of itself.

ANTHONY PERKINS as BRUCE BANNER (previously portrayed by Eric Bana and Edward Norton)

Immortalized on screen for his frightening and iconic portrayal of the murderous Norman Bates in Psycho, Tony Perkins was known for his neurotic, moody acting style. Mix that with his skinny frame, and you got yourself a pitch-perfect Bruce Banner, the meek physicist who becomes the Incredible Hulk. And of course, since this era would be lacking in CGI for the jade giant, they could just go the Lou Ferrigno route, and paint green bodybuilder Steve Reeves (who Ferrigno actually regarded as a role model).

ANNE BANCROFT as NATASHA ROMANOFF/BLACK WIDOW (to be portrayed by Scarlett Johansson)

The stunningly gorgeous Anne Bancroft became internationally known for her Oscar-nominated performance as the ultimate MILF, Mrs. Robinson, in 1968's The Graduate. Seductive like no other, it'd be no surprise to see Mrs. Mel Brooks suit up as the beautiful-yet-deadly Russian spy/superheroine/Avenger, the Black Widow.

SIDNEY POITIER as T'CHALLA/THE BLACK PANTHER (not yet portrayed)

One of cinema's finest and most venerable actors, the Academy Award-winning Poitier has carved out a consistent screen persona as a cool-as-a-cucumber, intelligent, and powerful performer, and he would have been ideal as King T'Challa, also known as the Black Panther (no connection with the Black Panther Party, mind you), a longtime member/ally of the Avengers, and the first mainstream black superhero in comic book history.

CLINT EASTWOOD as LOGAN/WOLVERINE (previously portrayed by Hugh Jackman)

If John Wayne defined "badass" during the early days of the American Western, then the incomparable Clint Eastwood was passed the badass torch, leaving his mark on cinema with his tough-as-nails action heroes like Dirty Harry, or the Man With No Name. And it would've taken a tough son of a bitch like Eastwood to truly pull off the X-Men's most popular character, Wolverine. And although the lanky Eastwood has a few inches on the traditionally short Canadian mutant, the character's (and actor's) loner status, "take no shit" attitude, and roguish charm would've certainly made up for it.


Well, there you have it. If you think there's a Marvel character that would've been done justice to a few generations ago, speak up! Excelsior!

Review: "KICK-ASS"

Anyone who knows me well enough knows what a huge comic book nerd I am. Ever since I picked up my first comic when I was seven years old, I was entranced by the colorful and out-of-this-world exploits of costumed superheroes, their equally flamboyant line-up of enemies, and pretty much the whole mythology that defined comic books as a whole.

But if there's one thing that most diehard comics fans and nonreaders have in common, it's that we've had (at one point or another) our own superhero fantasy. I mean, who wouldn't want to be a superhero? I myself have had plenty of daydreams as a child (oh, what the hell, even NOW) where I don a colorful costume, fly across rooftops, and pummel bad guys, saving the world on a daily basis. But of course, we all know that in the real world, such extravagant adventures would be unrealistic.

And yet, Dave Lizewski (Aaron Johnson) doesn't have such a pessimistic attitude. And in the uproarious, brutal, and ridiculously energetic comic book adaptation Kick-Ass, we see what happens when funnybook pipe dreams become a reality.

Dave is pretty much your usual Peter Parker archetype: he's a high school nerd, invisible to the opposite sex, especially his dream girl Katie (Lyndsey Fonseca), and he spends most of his time either hanging out with his equally nerdy friends (Clark Duke and Evan Peters), or whacking off at night to the image of his buxom English teacher.

But Dave has higher aspirations: tired of seeing no one take a stand against the everyday crime he witnesses in New York City, Dave decides to play out his heroic fantasies: he orders a green-with-yellow-piping wetsuit off the internet, gets a matching mask, arms himself with a billy club, and prowls the streets as the city's first real-life superhero: Kick-Ass.

However, the untrained and unskilled Dave learns the hard way that superheroics aren't that easy: on his first mission, Dave gets stabbed, struck by a car, and is put in the hospital. After getting metal plating in his body (and learning that the trauma gave him the inability to feel most pain), the recuperated Kick-Ass goes at it again, saving a man from a gang beating. Only this time, his exploits are caught on a cameraphone, which are quickly uploaded to YouTube, making Kick-Ass an overnight internet sensation.

This catches the attention of local mob boss Frank D'Amico (Mark Strong), who thinks that Kick-Ass is behind the recent murders of many of his underlings and drug dealers. D'Amico's unaware that the real culprits are actually the father-daughter duo of Damon and Mindy Macready (Nicolas Cage and Chloe Moretz), two lethal and highly resourceful vigilantes going by the codenames of Big Daddy and Hit-Girl. As superheroes both amateur and pro cross paths and become embroiled in the real and deadly world of the mob, and as D'Amico's nerdy son Chris (Christopher Mintz-Plasse) poses as a superhero called Red Mist to lure Kick-Ass into a trap, Dave realizes that he's truly way in over his head.

Based on the eight-issue Marvel/Icon miniseries by writer Mark Millar and illustrator John Romita Jr., Kick-Ass informs the audience from the start that this ain't their daddy's superhero movie. Both a loving homage and wicked satire of comic book movies and their conventions, Kick-Ass revels in its outrageously adult trappings, what with curse words flying left and right, blood and bullets filling every inch of the screen, and a crazed combination of brutality, pop-culture references, and an almost giddy tone of black humor. Simply put, if Quentin Tarantino directed Spider-Man, and received script help from Kevin Smith and Seth Rogen, the result would be Kick-Ass.

And Brit director Matthew Vaughn (Layer Cake, Stardust) realizes that. We're practically told to leave our moral compasses at the door, and breathe in the Grand Guignol insanity presented before us. Vaughn co-wrote the screenplay with his Stardust scribe Jane Goldman, and although they made several changes from the source material (both cosmetic and substantial), the spirit remains. And like the comic, it plays on that very sense of fantasy and wish-fulfillment mentioned above.

And there was no better choice to represent our collective crimefighting fantasies than British actor Aaron Johnson (star of the upcoming young-John Lennon biopic Nowhere Boy). Johnson is terrific and believable as the lonely, dweebish dreamer who, despite his obvious lack of training or physique, decides to seize the day and become his own personal Spider-Man, even if he looks like a total doofus in that bright green wetsuit.

Christopher Mintz-Plasse, best known as Superbad's iconic McLovin', steps away from his Judd Apatow-induced notoriety and does a wonderful job as the equally lonely and duplicitous son of crime lord Frank D'Amico, played by Mark Strong (who apparently seems intent on stealing Ralph Fiennes' title as Hollywood's go-to guy for screen villains).

But the real showstoppers here are that of Big Daddy and Hit-Girl, the latter of whom is the film's breakout character and an inevitable source of controversy.

One-half Uma Thurman's Bride from Kill Bill and one-half Polly Pocket (as well possessing a four-letter-word vocabulary that would make a longshoreman with Tourette's blush), Moretz' Mindy/Hit-Girl is a pint-sized Punisher that will certainly take the audience by storm. From her "holy shit" introductory massacre of a roomful of drug dealers (a scene made all that more deliriously entertaining with the soundtrack inclusion of the theme song from "The Banana Splits"), to her making mincemeat of an army of Frank's goons, the character will truly be considered one of the coolest and most badass female movie heroes from here on out, and despite some worrywarts recently complaining about an 11-year-old girl slashing up bad guys and cursing like a sailor, the over-the-top and manic nature and context of the film will make the onscreen exploits much easier to swallow. It also helps that Moretz is a highly talented and natural actress and gives Hit-Girl a real sense of both maturity and bravado.

And don't forget Nicolas Cage. Mocked nowadays by some for being a paycheck actor who stars in shitty blockbuster movies, it's easy to forget that Cage can be an excellent actor, especially when he's playing batshit crazy (as last year's terrifically deranged Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans proved). Here, Cage is wonderfully demented as both the loving and doting Ward Cleaver-like father to Mindy, and as Big Daddy, a merciless Batman-lookalike vigilante who's got a mad-on for Frank and his operation. Mask on or off, Cage is an absolute hoot (especially when he, as Big Daddy, alters his voice to sound like Adam West).

Production values are topnotch across the board. Kick-Ass captures the candy-color palette of the comics, boasts a fantastic and eclectic soundtrack--whether it's Ennio Morricone, Elvis Presley, or a goofily funny scene where Kick-Ass and Red Mist boogie to Gnarls Barkley in the Mist's car-- and of course, the action scenes are marvelous to behold. Unrepentant in its intensity and bloodiness, the action set-pieces are highly creative and tough to forget, especially once Hit-Girl shows up.

Vaughn does stumble with pacing problems (especially in the film's second act, mostly in regards to Dave's bumbling attempts to gain Katie's attention), as well as an inconsistent tone, where some scenes don't know if it wants to parody the superhero genre, or genuinely ape it.

But those are minor quibbles in the end. While the adventures of traditional superheroes like Spider-Man, Superman, and the X-Men are anchored by family-friendly morals and subtexts, such a concept is nonexistent for Kick-Ass. As Dave says in voice-over late in the film, "with no power comes no responsibility". And for a film so highly inappropriate, bloody, profane, juvenile, and wildly entertaining, such a paraphrase couldn't be any farther from the truth.

Superpowered by a top-notch cast (with star-making turns for both Johnson and especially Moretz), tongue-in-cheek direction by Vaughn, and a gleeful disregard for all things moral and decent, Kick-Ass is an anarchic, funny, refreshing, and very adult postmodern superhero film for those who may still harbor those inner desires to throw on a cape and cowl. Literally proving, title-wise, that there's still truth in advertising, Kick-Ass does, well, just that.

Letter Grade: "A-"